#some of yall are so painfully unemployed

[jaybirdlovebot]

it's honestly so funny to me seeing people on twitter talking about fandom culture while not even doing the bare minimum like censoring the names of ships or characters they’re actively talking shit about and maybe not using related hashtags as well

idk maybe it was just me and my environment/moots at the time but back in 2016-2019 covering names (with s*m3th!ng like that) was common sense if you were going to trash talk about it to prevent people who're actually searching for content from coming across your posts

and ofc im not talking about real bad stuff like p3do or batcest (cause that is non-negotiable) so what happened to not being those annoying mfs who talk about the things they hate more than people who actually enjoy them

[stoppunchingmyllamaog]

no one asked but I can’t sleep so I’m gonna order the Hargreeves siblings from most attractive to least attractive and why I think that. now I will preface this by saying of course this is just my opinion, the humble opinion of a stupid bisexual monster.....but I am right and this is the only correct ordering of these characters in terms of hotness.

click the read more for some spicy takes. 

1. Right off the back. The hottest is Allison. 

side note: Be honest with me. OF COURSE the top two spots were gonna be Allison and Vanya. They are the only two of the siblings with real jobs. Luther, Klaus, Five are unemployed disasters. Diego lives in a boiler room in A GYM. And Ben is dead. Get real.

Now why is Allison first place and not Vanya? Simple. She got money. Now you may call me a gold digger, shallow, a fool (all of which are true and valid descriptions of who I am) but as a mentally ill, broke as hell, trash person I am very VERY attracted to a little bit of sugar, ya kno what I mean? Anyway besides the money, Allison is funny, fun, beautiful, charismatic, and yes a little self-centered but I can get with it. Plus she’s going through a divorce. Now I know that sounds bad but I am a fucking exposed emotional nerve and I need someone who can meet me at that level and a messy divorce will do that to ya. 

2. Second is Vanya. Of course. Listen, her life as a sad, poor, violinist living in a shitty but also tragically romantic one-bedroom apartment in a big city is what sapphic dreams are made of. She is nice and wears flannel. My big gay heart can only take so much before I fall in love. Now she DID cause the apocalypse and yes she does have some major emotional baggage but listen...so what. I wanna wake up every morning and make her coffee while we live out our quiet, broke as hell, artist lives together. She can play Vivaldi and I can write poetry and in the summer we’ll go swimming. 

3. Well now this is conundrum. Who the fuck of the literal disasters stands above the rest. The answer is *drum roll* DIEGO now I know what you’re thinking, “but Briana!!!! He wears leather pants and a sweater un-ironically and thinks its cool and also lives in a boiler room :CCCC.” The thing is...I have never really understood irony in the slightest. If you gonna do/believe/say/wear/create anything??? Why not do it whole-heartedly and earnestly? And my boy Diego is nothing if not painfully earnest. He covered up what was potentially robot homicide just cuz he loves his moms. He carries knives around and wears the same outfit everdya...wait this line of thought is not doing Diego any favors. Let's move on. Diego is a Momma’s Boy. Plus, of the male cast, David Castaneda IS the hottest. Go check out that video where he is doing crunches. I felt on fire, man. Plus he is the onlu guy with a job. 

4. Ben. Yes, he’s dead. But I watched Casper. I know that love transcends the confines of life and death. And I get that choosing the literal dead guy over the other three seems...callous. But that’s only because it is............Anyway! Ben is funny, he’s cute, and likes to read. 

5. Klaus. Now you may be thinking, “Briana...really? really??? you gonna do Five and Luther like that?? Klaus is an addict.” And to that I say, “you really need to check yourself about your unfair prejudices against people with addictions. Addiction is not about moral bankruptcy or a show od poor chracter. It is instead based on things like emotional trauma, undiagnosed mental illness, etc. and you need to get fucking real and decolonize ur mind.” Anyway. Klaus is, underneath it all, a lost soul who is just figuring out his life and recovering from a life of addiction and abuse. He and I would have a lot to talk about. 

6&7. Now....I’ve grouped these two together. Not because character-wise I think of Luther and Five on the same level. Both are absolute disasters and both of them made poor decisions but what were the best conclusions they could draw from the information that they had at the time. No....I put them here at the bottom because this isn’t America’s Best Friend Race. This is a list of how attracted Briana is to fictional characters. And Luther has an ape body. Five is in the body of a 13 year old. Mama ain’t a furry and she ain’t a pedo. Based on personality alone? Five would have been #3 but it ain’t just about personality and that’s the ugly truth. I'm talking about fucking as much as I'm talking about feelings and I'm not fucking an ape and I ain't fucking a kid. You got a problem with that lemme give you a neat little hotline to vent ur anger out on: 911. It is absolutely free to seek Jesus yall.

Anyway. I’m bi as fuck and I have no regrets about what I’ve said and what I’ve done. 

Goodbye.